A common refrain is it started out with porn start sex, and then dropped off to nothing. That is not entirely true in my case, as we still sometimes have a very good sex life.
She wanted pain. She wanted humiliation. Degradation in bed. She craved it. I was more than happy to oblige considering she propped me up so much. How bad I wanted to keep her. Ugh.
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I have narcissistic traits. My exBPDgf does as well. I was the "Dominant" and she was the "submissive" sexually. Now I see she truly had the control. What I saw as sex games for fun, she saw as a way to be punished and get pain from the stand in Daddy which was me to work through issues of insecurity, sadness, low self worth.
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The games were all a part of some scheme for validation on the part of my exBP.
A Borderline mirrors and uses sex for safety (clinging) but the fusion of two personalities depletes his sense of grandiosity and diminishes his mastery over others until it becomes servitude. The servitude then becomes slave master and slave dynamic. He then must frustrate this object by gaining power over when and where he will use it but generally creates a submissive style as opposed to the dominant style of the Narcissist. The noted British sexologist Havelock Ellis wrote: "This irony is highly evident in the observation by many, that not only are popularly practiced sadomasochistic activities usually performed at the express request of the masochist, but that it is often the designated masochist who may direct such activities, through subtle emotional cues perceived or mutually understood and consensually recognized by the designated sadist." (Surely he was speaking of a Borderline.)
Narcissists use sex to get your attention, but it's only to place you on the shelf as an object
[...]A Borderline mirrors and uses sex for safety (clinging) but the fusion of two personalities depletes his sense of grandiosity and diminishes his mastery over others until it becomes servitude. The servitude then becomes slave master and slave dynamic. He then must frustrate this object by gaining power over when and where he will use it but generally creates a submissive style as opposed to the dominant style of the Narcissist.
This irony is highly evident , that not only are popularly practiced sadomasochistic activities usually performed at the express request of the masochist, but that it is often the designated masochist who may direct such activities, through subtle emotional cues perceived or mutually understood and consensually recognized by the designated sadist. British sexologist Havelock Ellis wrote.
[...] requires the narcissist to activate their defenses to protect their narcissistic vulnerability.ā€¯ Most narcissists are misogynists. Their sexual and emotional lives are perturbed and chaotic. They are unable to love in any true sense of the word . Gradually, wherever he is, the narcissistā€™s social circle dwindles and then vanishes.
Sex tends to be a "tool" used by many with BPD.. It's not necessarily a conscious tool, as they do feel something at the beginning, but they also know that being "good" sexually is a key to getting someone to attach to them. Initially they feel that you are "perfect" and that comes out in their love making.
But nobody is perfect; they start to see the cracks and they start to devalue the new partner.
Intimacy with my exBP was, simply put, amazing and extremely gratifying, in the beginning. Not just sex, but also the closeness, the cuddling, the gentleness and tenderness . . . I felt so safe and like I was finally home.Ā´ He lost interest after some months and nothing I did really seemed to help
Genuine intimacy comes from having the capacity to have empathy for your partner. The amazing sex that we had, especially in the beginning of the relationship, was a substitute for real intimacy. I confused his incredible ability to be physically affectionate and verbally affectionate for emotional intimacy.
insight:
A Borderline uses sex as an important tool for valuation. They usually refer to it throughout the relationship to gain approval when insecure feelings arise. Since it worked in the past, it's bound to work again.
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Mu uBPDw of 16 years will not show any affection towards me. She never offers a kiss although some of the time she will kiss me back but only if I touch my lips to hers first. Often, though, when I try to kiss her--which usually occurs once in the morning ("good morning dear") and when I get home from work, she will push me away and say "oh no, not again. Leave me alone." The frequency of sex has degraded to about two or three times a year and usually she will agree to it by saying "hurry up and get it over with." The last time we 'did it' was a couple of months ago and right in the middle of it she rolled her eyes at me. So I got off and said, "that was insulting," to which she made no comment and went back to sleep. I guess my question is how do others here deal with the lack of affection and, yes, the lack of sex. Is there a way to seduce a pwBPD? Is there a book ("The Joy of Sex with your Borderline Spouse") or a manual or a thread on this site? Living with my uBPDw is a very lonely experience.
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Title: Re: How to Deal with the lack of intimacy Post by: GCD145 on May 23, 2010
I wish I had an answer for you. I'm afraid I don't. This may have to come under the heading of "radical acceptance", i.e. you have to accept the lack of intimacy.
Intimacy problems seem to plague many relationships, not just those with pwBPD. There's a forum called the loveshack where people discuss relationship issues, and lack of intimacy crops up over and over again. In a relationship with someone who did not have BPD, some kind of therapy/ counseling would be in order. For a pwBPD, though, it seems unlikely that would happen. I would think that "of course" the problem would be seen to be with you, so she wouldn't participate. That was the case in my relationship. I "didn't approach her right", or I "only approached her when I wanted sex" etc, until I ultimately became so demoralized by the constant rejection that I stopped approaching her altogether.
In my case, leaving the relationship solved the problem
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My wife and I go back and forth on this. She had used sex as a tool in the past, so has a love hate relationship with it. We also go thru periods when I really don't know how to approach her, even just for a kiss or a cuddle. She does not display much physical affection towards me, other than for sex.
Did she have a history of abuse or has there been a big change in your sexual relationship - all the time to nothing at all for instance.
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Like any woman (or any person, really), it couldn't hurt for her to feel that her emotions are heard and validated, and also for her to see you as a separate person, worthy of respect. So how are you doing with emotional validation and boundaries?
Definitely stop chasing her ... the constant belittling and rejection is terribly damaging to your self-esteem :(
No magic tool, BUT validation can make a huge difference in increasing closeness, safety and intimacy. Why? because the person with BPD FINALLY feels heard. Why? Because we have turned off the chatter in our non brains and are truly trying to listen and empathize with our partner, and letting them know. It works...
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don't fight, don't answer, don't defend (I don't think that is quite the way she puts it.)
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I also did my best at validation and everything, but it didn't change her desires. Find friends. Most of my friends are guys that I'll just hang out with, playing sports or joking around. But I have a few that I am able to say, "I love you, man" and give them a hug. (you gotta put the "man" in ther
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